I’m going to be honest, it’s becoming harder and harder to keep up with posting even though it’s only one post a month these days. It’s not because I don’t want to or because there’s a deficit of inspiration.
The lack of motivation however, is pretty evident. Partially because I’m constantly tired both mentally and physically.
Where I live, despite the start of a vaccination program, life hasn’t really returned to normal. We are still under “lockdown” where restaurants are limited to take out, public gatherings are still prohibited, and a lot of entertainment that used to take up my weekends (lessons, the zoo, museums, science centres), are still canceled. My family supports still aren’t back to normal and because my work is directly impacted by Covid-19 cases, it’s hectic and time consuming as well.
I’m still not thriving but really just surviving.
The Process
Why is any of this important? I think that it would be naive to believe that any goals could be given the time and focus they need if other things are demanding the same resources. I need to work within the capacity that I have.
To remind myself that it is OK to not take everything on.
That I may need to re-assess the commitments to myself and others that I’ve made at this time. That it is OK to live out of the laundry basket because there isn’t the time to fold it.
That things will be sacrificed to make space for the things that need to be done or that need to occupy my mind.
Quite frankly, life has spiraled into a level of chaos or disarray I’m not super comfortable with (to some, it may not seem like disarray, but it is abnormal for me). Normally when this happens, I’d take some time off work, take a vacation, or take some time to get myself back on track. I don’t have that luxury these days. Work is short staffed and the dual role I have means needing to take extra hours so that the whole team isn’t being put in a rough situation and that flow is maintained. In my social life, for self preservation of home and work, it’s been close to non-existent. At home, the normal responsibilities of daily life are either neglected or the primary individual responsible has been shifted. This leads to a feeling of guilt — am I spending enough time with the people who need that time? Am I unfairly expecting others to take on what I should be doing? Am I being perceived as selfish by trying to self-preserve so I can continue with self care and function at a manageable (yet reduced) capacity?
But part of the process for me is to take a step back, take stock of what is uncomfortable, and continue forward even if it is with smaller and more deliberate steps.
It’s easy to look out at the world that is coming out from restriction and returning to equilibrium and to feel defeated or sad. But it’s a reminder to myself, that during a time of uncertainty, of increased responsibility, of decreased support, where I was, where I am, and how to keep moving towards my goal will not be in a usual manner.
Run a Marathon
I’m coming up to month 7 in running which is pretty much the longest ”running streak” I’ve ever had. It’s pretty exciting. And recently I’ve hit a milestone too: double digit mileage on my long runs. In truth, when I ran a half marathon in the past, I never had the time or the foresight to be able to train longer than 9 miles. I always left the rest of completing the distance to luck and the fact that 21km was realistic for me to finish in the time allotted at a race.
But with a marathon, that’s not an option. I can’t just run 10 miles and say I’ll “wing it” on marathon day. It’s going to take dedication and time and this is the one goal that I’d like to keep up.
Despite the craziness, I have been able to get in some weekday mileage. Partially because the weather has been mild and the days are longer now. With the weather becoming warmer and my allergies being horrendous despite medication, I’m going to have to take a look at how I can maintain this and what options I have to keep training (like running before work).
I have been going to physiotherapy, preventatively, including pelvic health physio. Maybe I’ll write something more comprehensive about it when I have a little more time. For now, I can say it’s been really helpful in keeping my joints and muscles ready for longer distances.
Maintain a Blog or a Vlog
In light of that fact, that we’re still in lockdown and I don’t have the time to explore my goal of learning how to vlog (and by extension video edit), I think the best thing for me to do is to put this on the backburner. It won’t be that if the opportunity arises, I won’t be filming things and trying to learn how to edit, but for now, it is just a little unrealistic (especially since I still have an exam to write in October). By not giving myself a timeline, I can focus a little better on running a marathon, writing for ROT6, and writing these updates (and I guess studying for that exam).
The blogs continue with monthly regularity and will likely be able to continue. My one post a week on instagram wasn’t quite met last week but on the whole I’ve been able to maintain it. The great thing about social media is that if someone wants to read your posts, they’ll be more than happy to read them when you have them. And those who wouldn’t typically read them won’t be missing out if you don’t post. I’ve always had a personal goal of trying to reach 1000 followers on Instagram and since I haven’t really put much time or effort into engaging, I don’t think that I’ll be making this goal anytime soon. It’s not a big deal because I never thought I’d never even get 500 followers.
Learn a Language: Still doing a little at a time but less so to learn, and more so to keep the streak going. Another backburner goal.
And so while this is yet another month with no thoughtful post that really tells much of a story, I hope that I can at least make others feel less alone. And even if no one reads this, I’ll still be here for myself, capturing the process.
Just as I remind myself, remember you are awesome and amazing and doing a great job.
N